This weekend has been a difficult one for me. A disappointing one because yet again I let my expectations get too high.
It's hard to explain, particularly when people have this curious view of autistic folks like me not having empathy or emotions, but I feel very deeply and can get majorly affected by others actions or inactions. I also can't stand getting caught in silly hostile 'politics' and nasty cliques.
I try so hard in my life to not let things affect me and yet time and time again I'm finding myself in these situations. The kind where I end up in tears and in meltdown mode because I don't know how to handle things.
My gut reaction to this weekend is to walk away from everything. From both SOT and the SSA, from my 30 games challenge, from the Saracens in general.
I hate myself for reacting in such a way, I know I need to take a step back and think pragmatically about everything but it's hard to do that when your memories are tied so intrinsically to your emotions.
I understand in my brain that the team don't have to come round and interact with the fans, I know that they know nothing of this stupid pettiness between the two groups and I know that I shouldn't expect more than just a game of rugby when I go to a match. But it still hurts to see the team go to the other corner of the pitch to say hi to the fans there, to see them look at the flag we were holding high and merely applaude and walk away. It shouldn't hurt, I should be more mature than this, but right now I feel like the kid who didn't get invited to the party again, the kid who can't find anyone to sit with at lunchtime, the kid who doesn't want to go to school anymore because it's so miserable.
I've worked too damn hard to get away from being that kid. I did my time as that child when I was in school and I refuse to do it again as an adult.
I need to stop setting my expectations too high, learn to want to be happy with "okay" and stop thinking that two "greats" in a row will mean anything changes. And to stop believing things people say just because they're saying something I want to hear/read. It's time to face the reality of life again after being in a bubble for a while. Show up, watch the game, go home.
I will make 30 games for this challenge. And then I will walk away with my head held high, leaving on my terms. It's about self-protection you see?