Saturday 2 March 2019

Processing big changes and shock news

February has been one hell of a month for me! It started with an intense two day away meeting for work (featuring an oh so lovely fire alarm evacuation!) and went on to include a puppet play, a conference, a trip to Liverpool, the first 3 rounds of the Six Nations, my boss (HR director) leaving, meeting the new interim director, and was topped off wonderfully on my unseasonably warm birthday with the news that my big boss is leaving.

Yes, Mark Lever CEO of the National Autistic Society is leaving his role in May and it has thrown me into a complete tailspin.

See, not only is Mark my boss and the person who helped create my amazing job, but he's also been in charge of the NAS since before I got my diagnosis 10 years ago! I literally do not remember the NAS without him in command!

So this news on its own would have been difficult to process and come to terms with but coming just 3 days after I said a tearful goodbye to one of the most amazing managers I've ever had, well, let's just say shell shocked doesn't even begin to cover my emotional state!

And because the email to staff came out on my birthday, with the announcement to the World on social media coming hot on its heels the same day, I found it incredibly tricky to process. I ended up mentally shoving the news to one side as I left the office at midday to meet my dad for lunch, feeling incredibly grateful suddenly that I'd booked the afternoon off as leave. I tried my best not to think about anything work related the rest of the day, throwing myself into enjoying my time with my dad in the sunshine and then later the Chinese takeaway with my mum et al at home.

But consequently come the next morning I was stuck in this vaguely grief-like state of shock still, tears appearing randomly, fear for my own career future gripping at me sporadically (my contract is up in September and the two people who designed my role will both be long gone from the organisation by then!)

I travelled in on the train that morning in a state of complete disarray. I have never before felt more in tune with autism being called a disorder, I felt so utterly disordered and adrift in my own swirling sea of emotions.

Slowly over the last week, thanks to some wonderful colleague's and a very supportive family, I have come to recognise and accept the emotional response I am having and start to identify how to deal with everything I am experiencing.

Essentially, it was emotional overload. And the closest I can metaphor it to is a sudden bereavement. It wasn't as intense and definitely is a temporary thing, unlike grief which can last a lifetime, but the gammut of emotional and physical reactions was very very similar.

As soon as I acknowledged that it was an overload of the emotional variety I could begin to employ some of the techniques I use for sensory overload and managed to make some headway in the over all processing of everything.

Now, a week later, I'm still struggling occasionally. I deeply miss my former manager who's support in this would have been invaluable - both as an emotional support but also in her role as HR director she would have been able to guide me through the next steps to know what is coming in the recruitment/handover process as well as reassuring me about my own place in the organisation.

And that's not a slight on the interim, but he is still learning the job, still getting to grips with the huge role he is performing, to have the news break of the CEO leaving on his third day can't have been easy either!

I haven't yet reached "Accept and Adapt" - Henry Fraser's wonderful saying being my ultimate goal, and I'm still having trouble controlling my chimp and the gremlins in my head, but in the words of someone who may or may not have been the UK's best prime minister "If you’re going through hell, keep going"

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