Its 11pm on Thursday 23rd June 2016, the EU Referendum polls have been closed for an hour now and counting is happening in earnest around the country. We are now officially in the limbo between voting and results being know.
My anxiety levels have never been so out of control.
I hate the fact that I don't know what will happen tomorrow morning. I hate that I don't know how this is going to affect the country I love. I hate that I can't control how terrified I am of what might happen.
These are the moments when being Autistic really really sucks.
But, from the depths of my fog of fear and trepidation is emerging a new way of coping. Gone are the days when I could rely on alcohol, cynicism or fake apathy to get me through nights like this, instead I find myself reaching previously unknown levels of zen; I have done what I could and can do no more, I must now simply accept and wait.
I'm reminded in these moments of the harrowing line of dialogue from the end of James Cameron's Titanic "had nothing to do but wait... wait to die... wait to live... wait for an absolution... that would never come"
Tonight isn't anywhere near on a par with the events of April 14th 1912 but there is a sense of worlds being shaken, of lives changing in ways that cannot be comprehended yet, of the endless wait to see what morning brings.
I hope whatever the result that my wonderful, amazing, proud country can come together and accept the majority choice. I hope that we will never again see the scenes we saw in the summer of 2011 when parts of London were torn apart by riots. I hope that we remember how lucky we are to be given a choice in our future at all.
I hate not knowing, but I would hate not having a say more.