I write this having finally emerged from one of the hardest weeks of my life. It's not been life changing like when I lost my job last year or as utterly devastating as when I lost my grandfather 11 years ago but it's been a week of hurt and anger with every emotion amplified by the fact that I don't have something I love to turn to for distraction because what is causing me pain *is* the thing that brings me so much joy normally.
For those who don't know me or haven't read any of my other posts I should explain that my one and only Autistic Special Interest is Rugby Union. Specifically Saracens and England senior mens squads. Both of whom have had rather difficult weeks to put it mildly.
And that has left me utterly bereft, my emotional compass is effectively spinning in the wind as I'm overloaded by negative thoughts of loss, betrayal and heartbreak whilst having no positive input of joy and familiarity that I normally get when thinking of either team. Consequently not only have I been on an emotional plummet all week but without anything to cushion the mental blow I've had to deal with the physical reaction of my body to stress and shock - namely a lot of time spent huddled under a blanket shivering or hugging the toilet while my abdomen ripples with pain.
Even trying to forget about the rugby world for a while has been near impossible, as my living room is full of framed photos of key moments, signed items and all my #30GamesFor30Birthdays challenge programmes and memorabilia - things that normally inspire me and make me smile!
When a special interest is turns negative, even if only for a short while, it's really hard to cope with as it can feel like a physical part of yourself is missing, there is an aching feeling that lays over you like a pseudo-grief blanket, wrapped around you cocooning you, somedays feeling heavier and harder to shrug off than others.
Where in the past I would have used my rugby memories as a way of coping with trying situations I now find myself shying away from those memories, scared that they have been irreparably tainted in some way, and so no longer help me focus and dig deeper into my resilience reserves but instead fill me with a sense of melancholy.
People have tried to help me as things have gotten increasingly harder over the week but while the intentions are good there isn't the understanding of just how deep this runs for me, that I'm not merely "upset" about everything that has happened but have been brought emotionally to my knees and am now floundering, drowning in this void.
Special interests are a core part of the life of an autistic person, they bring us joy and focus, they are part of a predictable routine for a lot of folks. In a lot of ways it's like falling in love, you dont know what (who) it will happen with (although you may have a 'type'), you cant fight against it and you dont know how long it will last.
I "completed" my childhood special interest in dolphins by achieving my ultimate goal when I was 14 by swimming with them in the Grand Bahamas. This moment of absolute joy allowed me to then "pack away" the interest, I no longer needed all the trinkets and things in my day to day life, stickers went unused and jewellery and clothing got retired to cupboards and drawers rather than being out constantly in use.
But that was a good ending to that special interest, it was a conclusion to the dream. What has happened the past week or so with rugby union is neither good nor conclusive, it's been harsh and ugly and painful. It's not a relationship that has ended by mutual agreement or by peaceful death warm in bed after a 70th wedding anniversary. Instead it's like the person you live with, the person you're in love with, forgetting your birthday and then finding out that they've been spending a lot of time with a gorgeous colleague and there's rumours going around the office.
So what do you do? Try to make a clean break, walking away and not looking back? Or wait, see how bad the situation truly is when your eyes are back to calm and logical rather than emotionally tinted, and then see if it's something that can be overcome?
One thing I do know is that what ever path I take this experience will leave a scar on my emotional core, it will change me and probably make me a lot more reticent to fully embracing the next interest that takes my attention and becomes special.
No comments:
Post a Comment