Friday 8 February 2019

Friendly acquaintance vs friend

At what point does someone you know become classified as a friend? It's a question I've long struggled with, not knowing if it's something I can classify myself or if it needs to be a mutual thing - if you consider someone a friend but they don't see you as any more than an acquaintance then can you truly say they are a friend? Should the relationship be classified by the lowest common denominator?

I try to make myself be pragmatical and honest about classifying people as friends; there are many people I know and interact with in my life but I would consider myself to have very few friends.

I think this is a self protection thing, I will only let myself fall a person a friend if I truly trust that I can depend on them being there for me when I need, a so-called "fair weather friend" is not a friend in my opinion.

And so I find myself classifying most people in my life as "friendly acquaintances" - people I like and interact with in wonderful ways but not people I could call for a chat when walking home or who would show up at my bedside if I landed myself in hospital.

I used to use markers of knowledge as a way of determining friendship level - did they know my siblings names, my favourite meal, the film moments that make me cry?

But I've come to realise that there are people out there who know those answers, or did at one point, but who have drifted away from me and are not now what I would consider to be a friend any more.

It's hard to admit sometimes that a friendship is over, it's not like leaving a job or a relationship break up when a clear conversation or action occurs, friendships can simply fade away and die due to neglect - ghosting in unintentional format.

Different types of acquaintances require different "litmus tests" for friendship - there are a several work colleagues who I get on really well with and have a huge amount of trust in, but I still don't consider them friends. They are wonderful people but our relationships are circumstantial and "in the moment" - were I or they to leave our current workplace I sincerely doubt I would ever intentionally hear from them again, interaction would be reduced to odd social media exchanges and the occasional reunion at another colleague's event (weddings, birthdays, leaving dos for example).

And while I would like to explore the idea of actual friendship with some current work folks I know that it's not that simple, friendship is a two way street and a lot of people already have enough friends in their life and not a lot of time for more.

But the thing that strikes me the most about this whole concept is that we don't have more classifications of friendship. We have them for romantic relationships - you can be seeing, dating, living with, engaged to or married. A single relationship with someone can go through all stages and it's mutually decided, there are even times when it can be reclassified down - a couple can decide to call off a wedding and return to a non-engaged status but still be in a relationship.

I guess in the very confusing world of social relationships I'm just looking for more clarity in a world where someone can have hundreds of Facebook "friends" and yet be incredibly lonely.

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