Friendly acquaintance vs friend

At what point does someone you know become classified as a friend? It's a question I've long struggled with, not knowing if it's something I can classify myself or if it needs to be a mutual thing - if you consider someone a friend but they don't see you as any more than an acquaintance then can you truly say they are a friend? Should the relationship be classified by the lowest common denominator?

I try to make myself be pragmatical and honest about classifying people as friends; there are many people I know and interact with in my life but I would consider myself to have very few friends.

I think this is a self protection thing, I will only let myself fall a person a friend if I truly trust that I can depend on them being there for me when I need, a so-called "fair weather friend" is not a friend in my opinion.

And so I find myself classifying most people in my life as "friendly acquaintances" - people I like and interact with in wonderful ways but not people I could call for a chat when walking home or who would show up at my bedside if I landed myself in hospital.

I used to use markers of knowledge as a way of determining friendship level - did they know my siblings names, my favourite meal, the film moments that make me cry?

But I've come to realise that there are people out there who know those answers, or did at one point, but who have drifted away from me and are not now what I would consider to be a friend any more.

It's hard to admit sometimes that a friendship is over, it's not like leaving a job or a relationship break up when a clear conversation or action occurs, friendships can simply fade away and die due to neglect - ghosting in unintentional format.

Different types of acquaintances require different "litmus tests" for friendship - there are a several work colleagues who I get on really well with and have a huge amount of trust in, but I still don't consider them friends. They are wonderful people but our relationships are circumstantial and "in the moment" - were I or they to leave our current workplace I sincerely doubt I would ever intentionally hear from them again, interaction would be reduced to odd social media exchanges and the occasional reunion at another colleague's event (weddings, birthdays, leaving dos for example).

And while I would like to explore the idea of actual friendship with some current work folks I know that it's not that simple, friendship is a two way street and a lot of people already have enough friends in their life and not a lot of time for more.

But the thing that strikes me the most about this whole concept is that we don't have more classifications of friendship. We have them for romantic relationships - you can be seeing, dating, living with, engaged to or married. A single relationship with someone can go through all stages and it's mutually decided, there are even times when it can be reclassified down - a couple can decide to call off a wedding and return to a non-engaged status but still be in a relationship.

I guess in the very confusing world of social relationships I'm just looking for more clarity in a world where someone can have hundreds of Facebook "friends" and yet be incredibly lonely.

Why I don't want a longer rugby union season

I've been reading a lot of articles recently about the season length and injury attrition, and its got me thinking about just why I agree so much with Billy V and Christian Day.

See, I have the type of life where I can fully understand burn-out and attritional damage. The way being autistic affects me is similar to what Billy and Christian describe when talking about little niggles and injuries that don't heal properly. Only mine is mostly in my head, where the outcome isn't needing surgery or physio, but needing dark and quiet to stop the immense pressure building inside my skull.

Autism Fatigue is a term I talk a lot about so I'm not going to rehash everything I've said before (especially as I'm trying to write a book about it right now!) but the one thing I will say is that the "little and often" approach to breaks only really work when they're in tandem with a longer more complete break.

Days here and there when I don't speak to anyone and don't have to mask are what keep me ticking over week after week, but without that knowledge that I have a longer break on the horizon the mental health aspect kicks in and I spiral into a depressive cycle.

And this is what I fear for our players; that without an appropriate length break/pre season period their mental health will suffer and the knocks/niggles will take longer to shake off when it's so much harder to convince yourself to do the rehab work required.

I don't want to be hearing that players aren't available for selection because they're fighting depression and anxiety as well as injuries, it's bad enough that these guys will suffer through those dark days after they retire, don't put them through it while they're still playing!!

My support of my club and country doesn't wane during off-season, I don't forget about rugby as a sport if it's not on TV every weekend. Yes I miss it fiercely, enough that when it comes back I'm positively chomping at the bit to get over to Twickenham for the LDH, but not to the point where I go looking for another sport to replace it! (Wimbledon and Le Tour don't count, they are events that happen during the day that I watched every year long before I got back into rugby!)

The rugby head honchos don't need to find ways to "keep viewers" around in summer months by stretching the season - a concept that doesn't reduce player work load but actually increases it for the international stars as they will have their post competition rest on a rest week with everyone else and so be available for more club games selection than currently!

Rugby needs to be leading the way in sport in demonstrating to children how to have a healthy relationship with exercise; to not start leading impressionable minds down the garden path to the "must go to the gym everyday" mentality that can cause body image difficulties in young men and women. Rugby union is a shining example of how a sport can be family friendly and still attract the adults, can be home grown and exciting, can be world class and still relatable.

So, to Billy, Christian, and any of the other players saying the same thing, I support you 100% in whatever action you as players choose to take, upto and including a full strike.

I stand with the players, now and always, in saying that player health and welfare must come first in these discussions. Now is the time to take this stand, to protect current and future generations of players and role models while protecting the spirit and ethos of the game we love so much.

#RugbyFamily

To cut your losses or to keep hoping?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the conundrum of when to continue trying for something unlikely and when to cut your loses and give up.

It's been playing in my mind because of work issues but I've been inspired in my decision making by recent comments by Alex Goode and Chris Ashton.

Goode's interview about being dropped by England was heart wrenching in the fact that it's obvious how much he wants to get back in the shirt, how much he's prepared to sacrifice to be the best he can be and by how much it hurts when it doesn't happen. He's not getting much hope from Camp England right now but he's not ready to walk away from the dream and chase the money instead.

Because, of course, this is what many say Ashton has done.

He hasn't though.

What Chris Ashton has done has been pragmatic and put sense over heart. I was fortunate enough to speak to him last week and you could see in every part of his body language when people mention the Toulon move how much he is struggling with the choice he has made. He didn't want to leave Saracens but he had to make a decision. His situation is not like Goode's. It's not a case of trying and proving that he deserves another shot at the white shirt. Ashton has been through too much with the RFU, the media and the fickle nature of public opinion. His career in this country is forever linked to the disciplinary panels and their outcomes.

I truly believe that the 'biting' incident that occurred during the Northampton game was a cynical play by Saints players to get Ashton in trouble. If you put your arm forcefully up to someone's mouth it's always likely to end certain ways: when a person, any person, feels in danger (like when their airway is being impeded) they react in manners not nessecarily in keeping with their character. Opening the mouth to increase the ability to breathe is a natural reaction to it being covered, and one the Saints player used to his full advantage.

I understand why Ashton has decided that his time playing in this country is over. Would he ever get a fair hearing again should anything else happen? No, I don't think he would, I don't think he did back in the autumn quite frankly.

So I get why he's made the choice he has and as a supporter of the team and the individuals that make up that team I will support his choice and wish him all the best in the world in Toulon.

I hope he, his wife and their child have the best of times living out in France for as long as he is there.

I hope, when all is said and done and Ashton retires, that he comes home to Saracens and can act as a mentor to the academy youngsters who may not realise just how easily the public, media and RFU can turn on a player.

I hope he can pass on to the future the wisdom that his past has taught him.

I hope he can come back with a smile on his face for fond memories and a full and happy career to look back on.

I hope there is still hope for both Chris Ashton and Alex Goode. They both deserve it.


I hope I find some hope soon.

Routine and Change

School has started back for a new academic year and the rugby season has kicked off!

I am so happy it's ridiculous.

My life can return to what stands for normal in my family. I know what I'm doing from day to day and have a regular routine again!

The thing is, for all I moan about it, I really like working in a school and having a basic timetable I can follow from day-to-day / week-to-week / term-to-term. It gives me structure in a life I deliberately try to keep very open and fluid. I've always been very fearful of having too much routine and becoming compulsive about following it. I worry that my nature is to follow automatic habits and that I would get very distressed if unable to.  For this reason I like to mix up my drive home route occasionally (although it's not very long so there's not much option for change!) and vary the days of the week I do my washing/shopping/cleaning. Even following the rugby has variety in locations, days and times so not every weekend becomes repetitive.

I like variety and change and some random chaos in life, it keeps me thinking and more importantly it stops me becoming stagnant and trapped in a mundane cycle that would send me into a spiralling depression - and yes that lesson was learnt through experience!

I feel that people are too afraid of change when it comes to Autism - sometimes it's not the #ActuallyAutistic person that is rejecting the change but the people around them who are worrying about their reaction and can't cope with the additional support we need to manage the transition process.

Change and mistakes along with tears and anxiety have made me the person I am today because I experienced them, survived them and ultimately learned from them.

Don't stifle someone because of your fear, don't 'protect' someone from the normal everyday nature of the world that throws changes and chaos around like fake snow at Christmas. The world will never stop being the way it is and while there is sense in routine and planning there must also be wisdom in recognising that some things cannot be planned for or made to be regular. It will not always be dry when you go to the doctors, the train to work/school will not always arrive at 08.34 precisely, the recipe for Fanta may not always remain the same.

We do not stay the same as human beings throughout life, we grow and change and mature and decay. Life is, by its very nature, never static and never 100% predictable. The human mind, autistic or not, needs to be able to cope with that concept and learn that there are many many things we simply cannot control and the best way to do this is to look to nature. Science teaches us that we don't know more than we know and even what we know now may not be what we know tomorrow.

So my motto for September is very much "lets get back to normal" but also a hefty dose of "embrace the chaos" - let's see what the month brings!

Life, time and travels

Sat on yet another train to London I've been musing the 'moving foward'ness of life and how we rarely match up to our own expectations.

I'm heading to see a friend before she goes off on the classic 'Asia/Australia tour' for several months and it strikes me as odd that my first thought on hearing her plans were "isn't she a bit old for that?" The fact is that at 26 no she's not 'too old' but yet my mind connects such travels to a 21/22 year old; maybe that's just the stereotype coming to the forefront of my mind. I suppose I see what she is doing at the 'gap yah' type experience whereas (in my mind) in your mid to late twenties people start moving into the more 'adult' trips that are more about doing something specific than endless nights of partying with cheap alcohol and people you just met in the backpackers hostel.

But then that's probably my prejudices coming through. Or maybe even my jealousy.

I would love to be able to see through some of the trips I've plotted out for my future but I know that kind of luxury is a long way off for me still, just getting to the end of the month with a tiny amount of paycheck left after all the bills have gone out is a small miracle these days!

It's a strange thing though, to be specifically going to say goodbye to someone that you don't know when you'll see again.

Normally in life we don't get much notice of when will be the 'last time' we see someone, for a while or forever. Now I fully expect her to come back absolutely fine next year at some point, but the fact remains that it's a bizarre situation and not one I've dealt with well in the past.

When my brother went to Australia for a year in 2012 it was one of the hardest emotional trials I have ever been through. This wasn't just an "adios amigo" but my little brother, the most important person in my whole life and the embodiment of "Pietro è la pietra" - he truly is my rock and always has been the one to keep me grounded with his unwavering support. So saying goodbye to him for a whole year was tough. It wasn't like when I went to university - I knew I'd see him again in a few months maximum and we ended up talking on the phone regularly (more so once he left for university and would get bored walking places!) This was the other side of the world and 10 time zones away. No more quick visits to see him or 2 hour chats discussing doping in sport or whatever topic had wound one of us up recently! We did manage to get a fair few conversations in over the 51 weeks he was away but they were scattered, often at odd times as we tried to make the time difference work in a way that didn't involve either of us loosing sleep. (There were still quite a few Saturday 8am phone calls that I could have killed him for!)

Essentially the hardest part for me was loosing the knowledge/control of the communication and interaction. I had enormous jealousy of my mum who went to visit him and my dad, stepmum and sister who visited and then travelled home with him.

I guess this scenario will be very different as ours is a friendship that exists in ocassional meet ups and is rooted in university shared experiences.

But still, I can't help wondering about the nature of being 'too old' or doing things at the 'right age'. At nearly thirty I'm struggling with the fact that I don't own my home nor do I have a husband/kids waiting in the wings. I don't even have the career I want yet.

But, as some wonderfully wise people often remind me, concentrate on what you do have/can do not what you don't.

So, I'm off to enjoy times with brilliant friends in a great city I love knowing that I'll have some great Olympic sport to watch tonight!

And if all else fails it's not long til the Rugby season kicks off again!!

To do or not to do

Making the choice to do something that I know is going to cause me pain and trouble isn't always difficult. There are times when it's incredibly simple because I know that the short term issues from my autism and sensory issues are massively outweighed by how much I would regret NOT taking up the opportunity on offer.

This was completely true on Tuesday when, despite a work day from hell, I travelled into London to meet a friend for dinner. Keeping this arrangement was more important to me than the issues I was struggling with at the time for many reasons but mostly because it was a one-off experience we had booked to do. Nandos isn't often a good place for me to go as it's generally a veritable smorgasbord of sensory overload; most places with open kitchens are!

But getting to experience the Saracens 'Nandos Takeover' fundraising event was something I'd been excited about for a while and getting to catch up face to face with a friend I hadn't seen since my birthday in February was very important to me!

When it comes to trying to live a 'normal' life as an autistic person it can be really hard to get others to understand just why I'm apprehensive about a proposed activity or plan; NT folk don't have to think about the multitude of things I do to assess whether something is going to be worth while or not. A NT person doesn't have to consider whether having the discussion in the first place will be constructive or just an exercise in frustration.

My workplace is a classic example of this difficulty and how people just keep getting it wrong with me. They seem determined to "protect" me by not letting me be involved in the more 'fun' side of things like big events - wanting to make sure I'm not stressed because I "have a lot of work to get on with" (even though during those big loud events there's not a cats chance in hell I'll be able to concentrate on my work!) And yet the things I need them to think about they seem to stubbornly cling to this idea that if they just tell me to be ok that I will be!

I'm writing this from the passenger seat of the car I'm hiding out in. The staff team have come to a Falconry Centre for the day as part of some end of year wellbeing nonsense; a day of birds of prey and sporting activities. Lovely.

No consideration was given for how I might handle this scenario; in fact when I was first told just last week of the plan (having already got fairly wound up about not knowing what was going to be happening on the last day as it was being kept a secret) my gut reaction was absolute horror.

Now don't get me wrong, I love birds of prey, watching them soar above in the skies, listening to Sir David Attenborough or someone tell me all about their habits and rituals is fascinating to me, they are truly magnificent creatures that deserve a lot of respect.

They also make sounds that are like a spike being plunged through the front of my brain.

I warned my boss about this but still she insisted that I come along and "give it a go" - a typical response from a former PE teacher.

I could hear the screechy chattering sounds building in intensity as we approached, it didn't take long for me to turn tail and run for safety. Maybe I could have coped better had I not just spent close to an hour crammed into a cafe hut thing with 50 odd colleagues most of whom are naturally loud people.

So now I'm sat in a car for 90 minutes while my half of the staff team do the bird experience. Then my group will have their turn at the sporting activities; shooting, archery and laser clay pigeon shooting. In the middle of a farm. Lovely. More stuff I can't cope with. I suppose at least my main reason for not wanting to take part in those activities is more obvious to people; the bright blue muscle tape running up my neck from my shoulders is pretty conspicuous!

At least I had some warning about what today involved so I could prepare some what; my ear plugs are near by in case I need them, I have my ipod on and playing calming music, I have recovery snacks with me if needed, my stress aids are in my bag and I didn't drive myself here so I don't have to worry about being safe to drive home later!

I'm isolated, with a building headache and feeling a bit fed up with the situation. Sums up the whole bloody academic year quite frankly! Thank crunchie that the holidays begin tomorrow and I can get on with my work in peace over the next few weeks!

An inspiring week

Everyone has weeks that are tough, weeks that you wish would end already or never have happened, weeks that just make life seem so grey and rubbish.

This was not one of those weeks for me.

I am so lucky to have the opportunities I do in my life; to be able to stand in front of a crowd in Westminster and have them listen to what I have to say, to be able to see my family so often, to be able to share moments with people I love, and to get to meet some truly inspirational people.

Meeting Henry Fraser at his incredible art exhibition 'Hand to Mouth' was one of the most significant moments of recent times for me; he is someone that doesn't just inspire me but reminds me of the important things in life - to focus on "what you can do, not what you cant do". To have the opportunity to get to thank him in person for being a continual source of positivity has made me reaffirm my vow to not get caught up in the negative of life, but to continue to find ways to see the strengths in disappointment and to improve as a person with every knock-back or failure.

This week has been a phenomenal one for finding hope for the future thanks to the wealth of sport on TV; witnessing Andy Murray win Wimbledon again, watching Chris Froome's brilliant descent sprint to the Yellow jersey, seeing Yates and Cav in the White and Green jerseys, all these marvellous things give me such enjoyment and passion for British sport again - let's cheer Froomey on to victory in Paris in 14 days and then its time to bring on Rio!!

More than anything I hope that the sense of positivity coming out of British sport rights now will help to lift this country out of the funk its been in recently and start to unite and heal our people; the world is in a sorry state right now, but as some wonderful people have reminded me lately - even the hardest of adversities can be overcome with the right mental attitude and a willingness to accept what cannot be changed.