I've been thinking a lot lately about the conundrum of when to continue trying for something unlikely and when to cut your loses and give up.
It's been playing in my mind because of work issues but I've been inspired in my decision making by recent comments by Alex Goode and Chris Ashton.
Goode's interview about being dropped by England was heart wrenching in the fact that it's obvious how much he wants to get back in the shirt, how much he's prepared to sacrifice to be the best he can be and by how much it hurts when it doesn't happen. He's not getting much hope from Camp England right now but he's not ready to walk away from the dream and chase the money instead.
Because, of course, this is what many say Ashton has done.
He hasn't though.
What Chris Ashton has done has been pragmatic and put sense over heart. I was fortunate enough to speak to him last week and you could see in every part of his body language when people mention the Toulon move how much he is struggling with the choice he has made. He didn't want to leave Saracens but he had to make a decision. His situation is not like Goode's. It's not a case of trying and proving that he deserves another shot at the white shirt. Ashton has been through too much with the RFU, the media and the fickle nature of public opinion. His career in this country is forever linked to the disciplinary panels and their outcomes.
I truly believe that the 'biting' incident that occurred during the Northampton game was a cynical play by Saints players to get Ashton in trouble. If you put your arm forcefully up to someone's mouth it's always likely to end certain ways: when a person, any person, feels in danger (like when their airway is being impeded) they react in manners not nessecarily in keeping with their character. Opening the mouth to increase the ability to breathe is a natural reaction to it being covered, and one the Saints player used to his full advantage.
I understand why Ashton has decided that his time playing in this country is over. Would he ever get a fair hearing again should anything else happen? No, I don't think he would, I don't think he did back in the autumn quite frankly.
So I get why he's made the choice he has and as a supporter of the team and the individuals that make up that team I will support his choice and wish him all the best in the world in Toulon.
I hope he, his wife and their child have the best of times living out in France for as long as he is there.
I hope, when all is said and done and Ashton retires, that he comes home to Saracens and can act as a mentor to the academy youngsters who may not realise just how easily the public, media and RFU can turn on a player.
I hope he can pass on to the future the wisdom that his past has taught him.
I hope he can come back with a smile on his face for fond memories and a full and happy career to look back on.
I hope there is still hope for both Chris Ashton and Alex Goode. They both deserve it.
I hope I find some hope soon.
Showing posts with label Pressure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pressure. Show all posts
Sunday, 5 March 2017
Sunday, 21 August 2016
Relying on other people
I find it really difficult when I have to rely on other people in order for me to be able to do something; be that having to wait for authorisation to proceed with something or needing someone to provide me with something.
Its not an uncommon thing amongst autistic people that we dislike being reliant on others - relying on others generally involves interacting with others and that's not something we like being forced to do necessarily!
Thing is, the world we live in means it is very very rare to be able to get through life without having some form of reliance on others - we rely on our employers/the state to provide us with our money regularly, we rely on utility companies to maintain a consistent flow of electricity/water to us, we rely on the emergency services to be there if/when we need them.
And I'm perfectly fine with that. What I dislike is being forced into relying on others in order to achieve my aims because others wont allow me to have the control myself.
I'm not allowed to have keys to my place of work because my manager fears what would happen were I to panic/meltdown when alone (never mind the fact that I live alone and have done successfully for 4 years now . . ) This means that during the school holidays when I'm due to work so many days I am reliant on the key holders opening/closing the building at the right time for me. However, this doesn't often happen. The caretakers, as is their right, want to do all their hours in one go rather than their early morning and evening slots as they do during term time; not particularly helpful to me when I need to work my standard 8am-4pm hours.
The fact that I'm not allowed to have keys to open/lock the building means I'm subject to things not going smoothly; case in point, tomorrow I'm supposed to work my normal hours, however the first key holder wont arrive until 9am. This means to do the hours I'm supposed to (and need to in order to get all my work done) I'll need to carry on working beyond my normal finish time, luckily tomorrow another key holder is planning to stay late so I can do this. Not sure what's happening Tuesday however though as this wont be the case.
And yet, despite the fact that I have raised this as an issue before (my fourth summer with this problem I believe) and despite the fact that my colleagues all know about my Autism and my need to know in advance what's going on I'm still in a situation where things aren't clear to me and I have no way of contacting the people who do know - its the summer holidays, my manager has gone abroad and I don't have the contact details for the caretakers - not that I would have the authority to ask them to switch their working hours even if I did!
Still, at least I'm not relying on others to have done bits of work for me to be able to do mine. Oh, wait a minute . . . .
Its not an uncommon thing amongst autistic people that we dislike being reliant on others - relying on others generally involves interacting with others and that's not something we like being forced to do necessarily!
Thing is, the world we live in means it is very very rare to be able to get through life without having some form of reliance on others - we rely on our employers/the state to provide us with our money regularly, we rely on utility companies to maintain a consistent flow of electricity/water to us, we rely on the emergency services to be there if/when we need them.
And I'm perfectly fine with that. What I dislike is being forced into relying on others in order to achieve my aims because others wont allow me to have the control myself.
I'm not allowed to have keys to my place of work because my manager fears what would happen were I to panic/meltdown when alone (never mind the fact that I live alone and have done successfully for 4 years now . . ) This means that during the school holidays when I'm due to work so many days I am reliant on the key holders opening/closing the building at the right time for me. However, this doesn't often happen. The caretakers, as is their right, want to do all their hours in one go rather than their early morning and evening slots as they do during term time; not particularly helpful to me when I need to work my standard 8am-4pm hours.
The fact that I'm not allowed to have keys to open/lock the building means I'm subject to things not going smoothly; case in point, tomorrow I'm supposed to work my normal hours, however the first key holder wont arrive until 9am. This means to do the hours I'm supposed to (and need to in order to get all my work done) I'll need to carry on working beyond my normal finish time, luckily tomorrow another key holder is planning to stay late so I can do this. Not sure what's happening Tuesday however though as this wont be the case.
And yet, despite the fact that I have raised this as an issue before (my fourth summer with this problem I believe) and despite the fact that my colleagues all know about my Autism and my need to know in advance what's going on I'm still in a situation where things aren't clear to me and I have no way of contacting the people who do know - its the summer holidays, my manager has gone abroad and I don't have the contact details for the caretakers - not that I would have the authority to ask them to switch their working hours even if I did!
Still, at least I'm not relying on others to have done bits of work for me to be able to do mine. Oh, wait a minute . . . .
Friday, 22 July 2016
To do or not to do
Making the choice to do something that I know is going to cause me pain and trouble isn't always difficult. There are times when it's incredibly simple because I know that the short term issues from my autism and sensory issues are massively outweighed by how much I would regret NOT taking up the opportunity on offer.
This was completely true on Tuesday when, despite a work day from hell, I travelled into London to meet a friend for dinner. Keeping this arrangement was more important to me than the issues I was struggling with at the time for many reasons but mostly because it was a one-off experience we had booked to do. Nandos isn't often a good place for me to go as it's generally a veritable smorgasbord of sensory overload; most places with open kitchens are!
But getting to experience the Saracens 'Nandos Takeover' fundraising event was something I'd been excited about for a while and getting to catch up face to face with a friend I hadn't seen since my birthday in February was very important to me!
When it comes to trying to live a 'normal' life as an autistic person it can be really hard to get others to understand just why I'm apprehensive about a proposed activity or plan; NT folk don't have to think about the multitude of things I do to assess whether something is going to be worth while or not. A NT person doesn't have to consider whether having the discussion in the first place will be constructive or just an exercise in frustration.
My workplace is a classic example of this difficulty and how people just keep getting it wrong with me. They seem determined to "protect" me by not letting me be involved in the more 'fun' side of things like big events - wanting to make sure I'm not stressed because I "have a lot of work to get on with" (even though during those big loud events there's not a cats chance in hell I'll be able to concentrate on my work!) And yet the things I need them to think about they seem to stubbornly cling to this idea that if they just tell me to be ok that I will be!
I'm writing this from the passenger seat of the car I'm hiding out in. The staff team have come to a Falconry Centre for the day as part of some end of year wellbeing nonsense; a day of birds of prey and sporting activities. Lovely.
No consideration was given for how I might handle this scenario; in fact when I was first told just last week of the plan (having already got fairly wound up about not knowing what was going to be happening on the last day as it was being kept a secret) my gut reaction was absolute horror.
Now don't get me wrong, I love birds of prey, watching them soar above in the skies, listening to Sir David Attenborough or someone tell me all about their habits and rituals is fascinating to me, they are truly magnificent creatures that deserve a lot of respect.
They also make sounds that are like a spike being plunged through the front of my brain.
I warned my boss about this but still she insisted that I come along and "give it a go" - a typical response from a former PE teacher.
I could hear the screechy chattering sounds building in intensity as we approached, it didn't take long for me to turn tail and run for safety. Maybe I could have coped better had I not just spent close to an hour crammed into a cafe hut thing with 50 odd colleagues most of whom are naturally loud people.
So now I'm sat in a car for 90 minutes while my half of the staff team do the bird experience. Then my group will have their turn at the sporting activities; shooting, archery and laser clay pigeon shooting. In the middle of a farm. Lovely. More stuff I can't cope with. I suppose at least my main reason for not wanting to take part in those activities is more obvious to people; the bright blue muscle tape running up my neck from my shoulders is pretty conspicuous!
At least I had some warning about what today involved so I could prepare some what; my ear plugs are near by in case I need them, I have my ipod on and playing calming music, I have recovery snacks with me if needed, my stress aids are in my bag and I didn't drive myself here so I don't have to worry about being safe to drive home later!
I'm isolated, with a building headache and feeling a bit fed up with the situation. Sums up the whole bloody academic year quite frankly! Thank crunchie that the holidays begin tomorrow and I can get on with my work in peace over the next few weeks!
This was completely true on Tuesday when, despite a work day from hell, I travelled into London to meet a friend for dinner. Keeping this arrangement was more important to me than the issues I was struggling with at the time for many reasons but mostly because it was a one-off experience we had booked to do. Nandos isn't often a good place for me to go as it's generally a veritable smorgasbord of sensory overload; most places with open kitchens are!
But getting to experience the Saracens 'Nandos Takeover' fundraising event was something I'd been excited about for a while and getting to catch up face to face with a friend I hadn't seen since my birthday in February was very important to me!
When it comes to trying to live a 'normal' life as an autistic person it can be really hard to get others to understand just why I'm apprehensive about a proposed activity or plan; NT folk don't have to think about the multitude of things I do to assess whether something is going to be worth while or not. A NT person doesn't have to consider whether having the discussion in the first place will be constructive or just an exercise in frustration.
My workplace is a classic example of this difficulty and how people just keep getting it wrong with me. They seem determined to "protect" me by not letting me be involved in the more 'fun' side of things like big events - wanting to make sure I'm not stressed because I "have a lot of work to get on with" (even though during those big loud events there's not a cats chance in hell I'll be able to concentrate on my work!) And yet the things I need them to think about they seem to stubbornly cling to this idea that if they just tell me to be ok that I will be!
I'm writing this from the passenger seat of the car I'm hiding out in. The staff team have come to a Falconry Centre for the day as part of some end of year wellbeing nonsense; a day of birds of prey and sporting activities. Lovely.
No consideration was given for how I might handle this scenario; in fact when I was first told just last week of the plan (having already got fairly wound up about not knowing what was going to be happening on the last day as it was being kept a secret) my gut reaction was absolute horror.
Now don't get me wrong, I love birds of prey, watching them soar above in the skies, listening to Sir David Attenborough or someone tell me all about their habits and rituals is fascinating to me, they are truly magnificent creatures that deserve a lot of respect.
They also make sounds that are like a spike being plunged through the front of my brain.
I warned my boss about this but still she insisted that I come along and "give it a go" - a typical response from a former PE teacher.
I could hear the screechy chattering sounds building in intensity as we approached, it didn't take long for me to turn tail and run for safety. Maybe I could have coped better had I not just spent close to an hour crammed into a cafe hut thing with 50 odd colleagues most of whom are naturally loud people.
So now I'm sat in a car for 90 minutes while my half of the staff team do the bird experience. Then my group will have their turn at the sporting activities; shooting, archery and laser clay pigeon shooting. In the middle of a farm. Lovely. More stuff I can't cope with. I suppose at least my main reason for not wanting to take part in those activities is more obvious to people; the bright blue muscle tape running up my neck from my shoulders is pretty conspicuous!
At least I had some warning about what today involved so I could prepare some what; my ear plugs are near by in case I need them, I have my ipod on and playing calming music, I have recovery snacks with me if needed, my stress aids are in my bag and I didn't drive myself here so I don't have to worry about being safe to drive home later!
I'm isolated, with a building headache and feeling a bit fed up with the situation. Sums up the whole bloody academic year quite frankly! Thank crunchie that the holidays begin tomorrow and I can get on with my work in peace over the next few weeks!
Monday, 23 May 2016
Punctuality
There's a big issue in life with being on time for things; as a species we are more dominated by time constraints than any of our fellow earth-inhabitants (Alice's White Rabbit aside!)
I would always prefer to sit around having arrived somewhere ridiculously early than to be caught in a situation where time is slipping away from me and I run the risk of being late. This doesn't always go to plan and I have friends who will happily speak of many times I have dashed into a restaurant/bar/party a lot later than I was supposed to arrive - inevitably with words spilling out my lips trying to explain the latest round of Helen vs the world. Truthfully I am just very bad at judging how long things will take; I can massively overestimate how long a journey may take me yet think drying my hair will take just a few minutes despite years of experience telling me it takes at least 10!
The understanding of the passage of time is something that can be linked to executive functioning - something that research tells us Autistic people can struggle with. I find my problems are not so much with the planning part of the process, as a former scientist I still have the numerical brain that makes all plans into Gantt charts and plots the most efficient path to completion of tasks. The trouble arises when the time I assign to each subtask is incorrect wildly knocking my plan out of sync! Even though this happens more often than I would like I still struggle to compensate and can't quite make myself change the next stage of plans quickly enough to gain back the time lost, although this is often because I have trimmed the plans to the point of not being able to loose anything - even if I'm running late for work I can't skip brushing my teeth or putting my shoes on! The few times I have tried to hasten my leaving the house I will find on my return that I have left lights on or my lunch is still sat in the fridge.
As we are forced into tighter and tighter schedules it's not surprising that more and more of my generation are eschewing 'going out' for nights in on out own terms. I feel I spend half my life trying to meet time constraints set for me: work deadlines, train departures, match KOs, assignment hand ins, even trying to remember to return phone calls at appropriate times for other people schedules!
Maybe as a society we need to slow down a bit and realise that not everyone can always keep up with the manic pace that is being demanded. Maybe we need to realise that each and every one of us is a human being who operates on their own processing speed and allow people just a bit of breathing space sometimes. Maybe one day we'll realise that we've made this world just a bit too hard for some people and have lost our way as a progressive society.
Maybe.
Maybe next time I come into London I won't be sat around in a reception for over an hour because I'm ridiculously early for an appointment!
I would always prefer to sit around having arrived somewhere ridiculously early than to be caught in a situation where time is slipping away from me and I run the risk of being late. This doesn't always go to plan and I have friends who will happily speak of many times I have dashed into a restaurant/bar/party a lot later than I was supposed to arrive - inevitably with words spilling out my lips trying to explain the latest round of Helen vs the world. Truthfully I am just very bad at judging how long things will take; I can massively overestimate how long a journey may take me yet think drying my hair will take just a few minutes despite years of experience telling me it takes at least 10!
The understanding of the passage of time is something that can be linked to executive functioning - something that research tells us Autistic people can struggle with. I find my problems are not so much with the planning part of the process, as a former scientist I still have the numerical brain that makes all plans into Gantt charts and plots the most efficient path to completion of tasks. The trouble arises when the time I assign to each subtask is incorrect wildly knocking my plan out of sync! Even though this happens more often than I would like I still struggle to compensate and can't quite make myself change the next stage of plans quickly enough to gain back the time lost, although this is often because I have trimmed the plans to the point of not being able to loose anything - even if I'm running late for work I can't skip brushing my teeth or putting my shoes on! The few times I have tried to hasten my leaving the house I will find on my return that I have left lights on or my lunch is still sat in the fridge.
As we are forced into tighter and tighter schedules it's not surprising that more and more of my generation are eschewing 'going out' for nights in on out own terms. I feel I spend half my life trying to meet time constraints set for me: work deadlines, train departures, match KOs, assignment hand ins, even trying to remember to return phone calls at appropriate times for other people schedules!
Maybe as a society we need to slow down a bit and realise that not everyone can always keep up with the manic pace that is being demanded. Maybe we need to realise that each and every one of us is a human being who operates on their own processing speed and allow people just a bit of breathing space sometimes. Maybe one day we'll realise that we've made this world just a bit too hard for some people and have lost our way as a progressive society.
Maybe.
Maybe next time I come into London I won't be sat around in a reception for over an hour because I'm ridiculously early for an appointment!
Saturday, 14 May 2016
Taking time out to relax
Sometimes its easy to get so caught up in life and all the pressures unfolding around you that you stop taking care of yourself and listening to what your mind and body need.
I've spent the past 5 weeks living life at (for me) a fairly non-stop pace; trips to visit family, rugby games (home and away), postgraduate assignments and exams, autism research and advocacy work. All of this on top of my full-time job. No wonder I've been so damn tired recently!
So I decided this weekend I was going to take some time to myself, not the whole weekend as I'm going to the Diamond Wedding Anniversary of close family friends for some of tomorrow but for the most part this weekend has been about looking after me and getting some much needed rest.
Rest doesn't just mean sleep however, though I will admit it does play a large part for me (14 hours last night!), its about not having any social demands put on me. I watched the Saracens game on TV from my own living room rather than making the trip to Allianz Park to watch it with all the other fans who couldn't make the trip to Lyon. This was a choice I made very definitively earlier in the week when I realised just how exhausted I was getting and how close to breaking point I'd unintentionally let myself get. The fact of the matter is that as an Autistic person I have to be realistic about what I can manage and no matter how much I may want to do something I still have to consider all the ramifications and consequences before committing to a course of action. This is particularly true when I'm asked to take on/do something with little notice - I need to think through the ripple effect before giving a response; often saying 'no' is incredibly difficult for me.
I don't regret anything I've done recently and I know that certain parts of the stress I'm under are completely out of my control but I just wish that people could be a little bit more understanding of the concept of 'Autism Fatigue' and realise the implications that can have on me and my sociability - if I'm having a tough week please don't criticize me for not conforming to the social norm and saying 'good morning' to every Tom, Dick and Harry that I see first thing in the morning at work!!
I can already feel the change in my mental state just from a single day away from people and their subconscious pressures, hopefully the feel-good factor from todays win and the general relaxed approach to this weekend will be enough to see me through to half-term now!
I've spent the past 5 weeks living life at (for me) a fairly non-stop pace; trips to visit family, rugby games (home and away), postgraduate assignments and exams, autism research and advocacy work. All of this on top of my full-time job. No wonder I've been so damn tired recently!
So I decided this weekend I was going to take some time to myself, not the whole weekend as I'm going to the Diamond Wedding Anniversary of close family friends for some of tomorrow but for the most part this weekend has been about looking after me and getting some much needed rest.
Rest doesn't just mean sleep however, though I will admit it does play a large part for me (14 hours last night!), its about not having any social demands put on me. I watched the Saracens game on TV from my own living room rather than making the trip to Allianz Park to watch it with all the other fans who couldn't make the trip to Lyon. This was a choice I made very definitively earlier in the week when I realised just how exhausted I was getting and how close to breaking point I'd unintentionally let myself get. The fact of the matter is that as an Autistic person I have to be realistic about what I can manage and no matter how much I may want to do something I still have to consider all the ramifications and consequences before committing to a course of action. This is particularly true when I'm asked to take on/do something with little notice - I need to think through the ripple effect before giving a response; often saying 'no' is incredibly difficult for me.
I don't regret anything I've done recently and I know that certain parts of the stress I'm under are completely out of my control but I just wish that people could be a little bit more understanding of the concept of 'Autism Fatigue' and realise the implications that can have on me and my sociability - if I'm having a tough week please don't criticize me for not conforming to the social norm and saying 'good morning' to every Tom, Dick and Harry that I see first thing in the morning at work!!
I can already feel the change in my mental state just from a single day away from people and their subconscious pressures, hopefully the feel-good factor from todays win and the general relaxed approach to this weekend will be enough to see me through to half-term now!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)