To cut your losses or to keep hoping?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the conundrum of when to continue trying for something unlikely and when to cut your loses and give up.

It's been playing in my mind because of work issues but I've been inspired in my decision making by recent comments by Alex Goode and Chris Ashton.

Goode's interview about being dropped by England was heart wrenching in the fact that it's obvious how much he wants to get back in the shirt, how much he's prepared to sacrifice to be the best he can be and by how much it hurts when it doesn't happen. He's not getting much hope from Camp England right now but he's not ready to walk away from the dream and chase the money instead.

Because, of course, this is what many say Ashton has done.

He hasn't though.

What Chris Ashton has done has been pragmatic and put sense over heart. I was fortunate enough to speak to him last week and you could see in every part of his body language when people mention the Toulon move how much he is struggling with the choice he has made. He didn't want to leave Saracens but he had to make a decision. His situation is not like Goode's. It's not a case of trying and proving that he deserves another shot at the white shirt. Ashton has been through too much with the RFU, the media and the fickle nature of public opinion. His career in this country is forever linked to the disciplinary panels and their outcomes.

I truly believe that the 'biting' incident that occurred during the Northampton game was a cynical play by Saints players to get Ashton in trouble. If you put your arm forcefully up to someone's mouth it's always likely to end certain ways: when a person, any person, feels in danger (like when their airway is being impeded) they react in manners not nessecarily in keeping with their character. Opening the mouth to increase the ability to breathe is a natural reaction to it being covered, and one the Saints player used to his full advantage.

I understand why Ashton has decided that his time playing in this country is over. Would he ever get a fair hearing again should anything else happen? No, I don't think he would, I don't think he did back in the autumn quite frankly.

So I get why he's made the choice he has and as a supporter of the team and the individuals that make up that team I will support his choice and wish him all the best in the world in Toulon.

I hope he, his wife and their child have the best of times living out in France for as long as he is there.

I hope, when all is said and done and Ashton retires, that he comes home to Saracens and can act as a mentor to the academy youngsters who may not realise just how easily the public, media and RFU can turn on a player.

I hope he can pass on to the future the wisdom that his past has taught him.

I hope he can come back with a smile on his face for fond memories and a full and happy career to look back on.

I hope there is still hope for both Chris Ashton and Alex Goode. They both deserve it.


I hope I find some hope soon.

Game over

This weekend has been a difficult one for me. A disappointing one because yet again I let my expectations get too high.

It's hard to explain, particularly when people have this curious view of autistic folks like me not having empathy or emotions, but I feel very deeply and can get majorly affected by others actions or inactions. I also can't stand getting caught in silly hostile 'politics' and nasty cliques.

I try so hard in my life to not let things affect me and yet time and time again I'm finding myself in these situations. The kind where I end up in tears and in meltdown mode because I don't know how to handle things.

My gut reaction to this weekend is to walk away from everything. From both SOT and the SSA, from my 30 games challenge, from the Saracens in general.

I hate myself for reacting in such a way, I know I need to take a step back and think pragmatically about everything but it's hard to do that when your memories are tied so intrinsically to your emotions.

I understand in my brain that the team don't have to come round and interact with the fans, I know that they know nothing of this stupid pettiness between the two groups and I know that I shouldn't expect more than just a game of rugby when I go to a match. But it still hurts to see the team go to the other corner of the pitch to say hi to the fans there, to see them look at the flag we were holding high and merely applaude and walk away. It shouldn't hurt, I should be more mature than this, but right now I feel like the kid who didn't get invited to the party again, the kid who can't find anyone to sit with at lunchtime, the kid who doesn't want to go to school anymore because it's so miserable.

I've worked too damn hard to get away from being that kid. I did my time as that child when I was in school and I refuse to do it again as an adult.

I need to stop setting my expectations too high, learn to want to be happy with "okay" and stop thinking that two "greats" in a row will mean anything changes. And to stop believing things people say just because they're saying something I want to hear/read. It's time to face the reality of life again after being in a bubble for a while. Show up, watch the game, go home.

I will make 30 games for this challenge. And then I will walk away with my head held high, leaving on my terms. It's about self-protection you see?

Thirty years and six nations!

So endeth the manic period of my life that was my 30th birthday, and it couldn't have ended better! Well, okay, it would have been a bit better if England hadn't been flummoxed by the Azzurri's tactics for so long and if Faz had a bit more accurate a day at the tee!


A day out at HQ is always something a bit special; the very nature of game day is just brilliant fun, the streets between the tube station and the stadium lined with stalls like the biggest most-British street party ever!


I'd never been lucky enough to go to an England test match before, my only experience of the national team being a Baa-Baas game a few years ago. Its unreal. I thought I'd got the full HQ experience when I went to the Premiership final back in May but my god do they go to town when the Nations roll up!


Of course there were times I struggled with the day, its part and parcel of being autistic that eventually the sensory aspect will catch up with me and have consequences but a day like Sunday is one that is completely worth it. All in all, despite the drunken idiot sat next to me (not my father, the other side!) and the slightly bizarre nature of the game, I had the most incredible end to my 30th birthday week - note 'week' not 'celebration' - that's going to be rolling on until the '30 Games for 30 Birthdays' is completed in May!

Autism Fatigue vs lots of exciting plans!

I've talked about the concept of Autism Fatigue before but it's never been more obvious to me than when I have a period of time like I'm currently in. I'm 9 days into a crazily busy 18 day stretch and already I've had to cancel 3 different plans out of the 18 things I've got in the diary (and that's not including the standard going to work next week!) I should note that I am incredibly lucky to have be given the opportunities I have and I am very grateful for the support of my university tutor, my family and the staff involved in the various work I've been contracted to recently.

I had to cancel certain things this past week because I was having to make choices between standing by plans I'd committed to and the need to protect my own health - mental and physical. It doesn't help that I'm still recovering from a nasty virus last week or that I've managed to pick up a cold along the way to join the fun. My point is that just because I want to do something doesn't mean I should; those decisions have to be made on a day by day basis and that unfortunately means letting people down at the last minute sometimes.

Most people have been fairly understanding recently, having a virus that's leaves you with dizzy spells and nausea is understandable to most people. Certainly a lot more understandable than Autism Fatigue is.

Trying to get people to understand the concept of social overload or the need to conserve energy for a more important commitment the next day is difficult. A lot of people still don't understand how draining social activities can be - even if I'm enjoying them immensely!

It's true that the satisfaction I get from doing things can give a boost to my flagging energy levels it's rarely enough to compensate for the losses due to sensory environment and stress.

I hope as time moves forward and more of us are talking about these concepts that society as a whole becomes more aware and more forgiving of our needs. I've had to plan these few weeks so very carefully  to ensure that I make it to the end still in one piece and still able to enjoy my final event - England vs Italy in the 6Nations at Twickenham - a hell of a way to finish off my 30th birthday week!!

30 Games for 30 Birthdays!

I'm now over the halfway mark of my "30 Games for 30 Birthdays" challenge, as was set to me by family back in the summer.


The challenge is fairly simple in theory - attend 30 Saracens games in the 2016/17 season, and get a photograph containing myself, at least one other person and the match programme for each one.


So far I've been to 16 games, travelled over 2100 miles, spend over a thousand pounds and have had the most phenomenal time!


I've watched some brilliant moments of rugby but I've also borne witness to some brilliantly hilarious moments of rugby supporters! From the wonderful musical pre-game experience in Toulon to the drunken curry based antics in Bristol, its been at times an almost overwhelming mix of social experiences but I have loved it all!


I've been lucky enough to share this experience with the most amazing group of people in the Saracens supporters - it truly is like a sprawling, bizarre, family where you'll rarely encounter someone who doesn't know at least one other person you know, and where everyone looks out for each other and makes sure that a good time is being had by all!


I'm so grateful to have had the chance to shake the hands of greats, to have taken photos of superstars and to have persuaded exhausted, but victorious, legends to hold up a flag for a photo! (Thanks Schalk and Jamie!)


As I approach the infamous birthday, I can't help but wonder what the 'second half' of this challenge will hold; trips to Worcester, Newcastle and Wembley and a whole host of home games. To achieve the full 30 games using only Saracens matches I will need us to reach the finals of the European Champions Cup *and* the Aviva Premiership. A doable event, seeing as we currently hold both those trophies, but still it's going to be a nail-biting race to the end!


Bring it on!

Why I love Nigel Owens

I have a natural instinct to trust sportspeople - I don't mean any one who plays sport, but anyone I classify as a 'sportsperson', anyone I see as having the qualities of true sportsmanship: integrity, honesty, passion, dedication, respect and humility. The kind of person who would 'walk' if they know they were caught out, who would stand and take the telling off from the official that's half their size, who would applaud a genuinely fantastic piece of play from an opposition side, who would never even dream of simulating or trying to escalate trouble.


I have a lot of love for the game of rugby; I see the qualities of sportsmanship in many, many of the players in the top tiers and the creeping edge of football style simulation and crowd baying for cards is mildly concerning to me. What stops this being a full-blown worry though is the presence of referees like Nigel Owens.


Nigel Owens is one of my heroes, he is widely respected in the world of rugby as one of the best officials; accurate and sure of his own decisions without needing to go to the TMO every thirty seconds, and yet willing to be honest and upfront when he makes a (rare) mistake. He speaks to the players clearly and concisely, never being vague about his rulings. He controls the games with a firm hand but with a dry wit, never mean or harshly biting, just genuinely funny at times!


 "The football stadium is 500 yards that way…"


I think the main appeal to me here is the manner in which he goes about his job; it appeals to me as an autistic person because he is so clear in his decision making, so set in the way he wants things do, so in charge and unwilling to be intimidated by anyone.


I don't know if its the brilliant one-liners like his "I'm straighter than that!" quip about a dodgy line-out or the awe-inspiring way he lays down the law to the huge 8ft/40 stone monsters around him but he is without a doubt one my favourite sportsmen of this generation and a name I am always happy to see on a match day line-up. Even if he is Welsh.


“I’m not like some refs who could quote you the number of the law, with or without the brackets, of course I know them. But knowing the laws too well and technically applying those laws, well you’ll never have a game of rugby. You’ve got to have a bit of empathy as well.”

My resounding memory of 2016

My resounding memory of 2016 will be of staring at a screen in shocked disbelief.

It's been a year of staring as news rolled in of Trump's victory, the Brexit result, he murder of Jo Cox, the deaths of Prince/David Bowie/Alan Rickman/Carrie Fisher, the awful events in Brussels/Nice/Orlando and all round the world.

Luckily those horrible moments have also been countered with a different type of shocked disbelief for some wonderfully happy things like England's 3-0 whitewash of the Wallabies, Bryony Page's silver medal in trampolining and Saracens becoming Champions of Europe, as well as the genuine 'what the hell' version of shocked disbelief when Froome had to run up a hill in France and the Keirin gold medal race got reset twice!!

So, yeah, 2016, the year of staring at a screen in shocked disbelief.